I am just a blank sheet of paper

10:15 am

I love you. I want you to be happy. You want my fucking advice. Go be with the man if you love him. But quit breaking my head and my heart just because you can't decide between your God and you lover.

12:29 am

It's so fucking ironic that it's the twenty-third of November. Makes me feel like a sick twisted fucked up individual. I deserve this moment of torture. I'm stoned, this pain is fogged by chemicals. But I can still feel it pulling around inside my skull. Ha. How lame does that sound?

She called while I was at work. I took it. We talked for about an hour. She talked mostly. She tried not to talk about Him. I guess I didn't really discourage Her though. Masochistic tendencies, I suppose. He wants Her to marry Him. His family loves Her. More than mine was willing to love Her. I hate them for that. And I hate myself for hating them for it. They're offering Her a life. A fantastic life that I could never give Her. My family barely warmed up to Her. And now She's got this chance for the family she never had. The life she always wanted.

I want to hate Her. More than I want Her back, I want to HATE her, so that I can be out of Her life and she can have the happy ending. I want to be noble and fuck off. Now I can;t think coherently. Thoughts racing too fast.


....

Dude. I thought this was happening. But i can't think.

02:40 am - l

Fuck Fuck Fuck.


Was there some sort of lesson to be learned in this? Sitting here a pathetic dribble of temporary flesh and bone. Holding back anxiety because he can't fucking handle himself in a normal social situation. What was i supposed to learn? to not be such a fucking romantic all the time? to not get hopes up quick?  If youre out there speaking to me, i cant hear it. i do not copy. message not received. ok, it goes against my faith. i knew it, it bothered me a bit at first, and i shrugged it off. and i tried to enjoy myself. and you let me. you let me have the time of my life, and let me think i could handle it on my own. and i went out there, a pilgrim in unknown land. i partook, and now im left wanting. wishing it could have lasted longer. for the short time it was. and im supposed to take a lesson of sexual integrity from this?  now that ive tasted flesh, i cant help myself. and people have fallen to it since the beginning. so maybe i figured that made it ok? not really. i knew it was against what i try to stand for. but im not standing very well if you ask me.

theres something wrong with me. im so angry at myself that im crying. crying because i build things up. because i jumped the gun and spoke too soon and now damn it i hurt and i cant show it. because it was expected that i would play it cool. i was warned. i shouldve taken heed and backed it down when i had the chance. instead i get an abrupt halt. and obviously i havent learnd the lesson because i want to hold on to this and know that i cant do that. it wouldnt be right at all to try. it would be very innapropriate and would lead to my exile from this new circle of friends. and now i have to be honest about myself and my mind that i have to admit that its going to be awkward. and now i have to disappear for a bit just to be able to come back and show my face without betraying any of this juvenile hopeless romantic pain. fuck.

and when i do come back form this absence, theyll all know. no on is stupid. theyll know. and theyll notice. and thats whats worst. i can act any role but my own. my own role is no perfectly rehearsed scene. its filled with tells signals.

i wont say i hate myself, but im angry. and stoned is the only way i can keep numb enough to not want to bang my head from how stupid im being. im not hurting because she doesnt want this, im hurting because i told myself, so so recently, that i had this. and now i dont.

i cant find the lesson. help me find it.help me find a way

05:36 pm

Plan#1

Step One: Meet Girl.

Step Two: Fall for Girl.

Step Three: Hook up friend with Girl.

Step Four: Be there for Girl when they break up.

Step Five: Devise a plan to tell Girl how you feel, and have felt for a long time.

Step Six: Sit back and listen to Girl tell you how she's pretty much still in love with him.

Step Seven: Watch Step Four Fall harder than The Roman Empire.


Alternative Plan

Step One: Meet Girl.

Step Two: Fall for Girl.

Step Three: Before even trying to tell Girl how you feel, Rip heart out of chest.

Step Four: Insert Heart into microwave along with a fork, spoon, aerosol can and one pound of tin foil.

Step Five: Set Microwave on High at Three minutes and Thirty seconds.

Step Six: Enjoy watching heart explode.

09:46 pm

one day, i will go to sleep and wake up a much older man. and then, i will go to sleep again, and wake up in another realm of existence. and maybe then, we will meet again. and i will shake my friends hand. but until then, happy birthday sweet prince. i love you.

JLK

12:45 pm

and I'M the asshole here? Fuck You. If there was any way to possibly make those two words more meaningful, more full of intense hatred, I would.  Fuck, You.

05:57 am - Imagination.

Imagine a dreamer, who cannot sleep.
Imagine a keeper, who plays for keeps.

Imagine an author, who cannot write.
Imagine a soldier, who hates to fight.

Imagine an actor, who cannot lie.
Imagine a victim, who cannot cry.

Imagine a being, who's afraid to be.
Imagine a watcher, who cannot see.

Imagine a boy, who was a man.
Imagine a can't, turned to a can.

Imagine a night, moonlight saved.
Imagine a scream, turned concave.

Imagine. My Nation.

01:41 am - Eight Days

We were supposed to spend the day together. It was supposed to be me, and one of my best friends. Just the two of us. All I wanted was one day before she leaves. And she leaves real soon. I offered a movie, because we've never been to one before. I offered to pay, because she doesn't need to be spending her money. She said she was okay with it. I thought our friendship was good enough. I thought it would be okay. She sent me a text. It was meant for him. It begged him to come to her rescue. Because a movie alone with me was too "uncomfortable."

That word broke my heart two years ago. And I can't begin to explain how much it hurt when I read it.  I wanted to cancel. I wanted to never see her again. I wanted to run. I wanted to leave. I wanted to hurt myself. How could one of the most significant people in my life, be afraid to be with me? Be afraid of me? I wanted to be far from here. Far from familiarity.

I wanted to be with you when I read that heartbreaking message. I wanted to meet you. Really meet you. Face to face. I've wanted to meet you for so long, but this is what pushed me the furthest. And you may never read this. You may never know i thought these thoughts. But there are certain immortal words,

"Even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

04:55 pm

i need some sort of change. something unconventional. someplace unconventional. i need a long trip to nothingness, and a destination of  bliss.


i need peace. and a little quiet.

and that one person whose company never fails.


i need sleep.

i long to dream a beautiful dream.

to escape my fears. if only for a little bit.

help?

please.

01:58 pm

confusion. confusion and mixed emotion. what do i do. how do you deal with multiple feelings? how do i deal with this insanity. this painful blissful cage of emotion.

07:28 am

Let us get one thing straight. In a world defined by perfection and precision, it's the fuck-ups who stick together the most. The minority is the majority now. And let's get another thing straight. There's a close intimacy that one fuck-up feels with another. And i don't mean fuck-up in a negative way. I mean it in a way that suggests many of us are fucked up beyond our control. Our fucked up pasts have not come to us because of something we've done. Our fucked up pasts are the faults of our molders. Those who guided us through this world, whether they knew it or not. I must say live journal is a place that is much more intimate than myspace. I feel a closer bond with the important people who read this. And I'll admit I'm not sure what this will clarify by the end. I'm not sure what use it will do, or what sense it will make, or if there is a point in even reading further. 

There comes a point where you have to sit back, and look at everything you've done in your life. You see where you've been, and where you need to go. And where you want to go. You realize the sacrifices you'll need to make for those you remain loyal to. And all your shit is confusing. You're not quite sure who to talk to. You're not sure how you're going to explain this stupid blog to the one person who is really going to give a shit and ask. 

Fuck it.

When it all comes down to it, we're all fucked up inside. And all that shit, is just that shit. That's all it is.



I hold an unsure intimacy with everyone of my fellow fucked-ups. 

05:50 pm - For Those Long Trips To Nothingness

i wanna write a song.

i wanna write a novel.

maybe even a poem.

buts whats my topic?

do i write about love?

that feeling they call love?

do i write about that itty bitty thing called love?

the way it pains and it gains,

and its always the same?

12:34 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

03:43 pm - 4.5.6.8.3.9.6.8. (Candy-Coated Dipshit)

Dear LiveJournal Freinds,

I'm feeling emo today. If you are not in the mood to read emo bullshit, close out this window, or just skip to the next entry.


I'm sick. I had to cancel on Amanda. 

I stepped on a thumbtack.

I pulled my Groin.

That girl I met, not gonna happen. I've known that for a while.

I met another girl yesterday.

You ever meet someone you instantly feel a bond with. You instantly feel an attraction and affection with them? You hang out for a bit, you think you get to know each other. But then she fucks with your head. She tells her best friend she's not interested, but doesn't tell you? Fuck That. Don't hide the shit from me. I'm tired of that. Don't Fucking Lie To Me. I hate Liars. I hate the girl. I hate the facade she's putting on. You think I can't fucking read body language. WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING. IT'S A LOT EASIER THAT WAY. DON'T BITE A FUCKING BULLET FOR ME. I'M NOT WORTH IT. 



JUST BE MOTHERFUCKING HONEST.




FUCK THIS GAME.

Current Mood: pissed off

05:23 pm - The God of Useless Invention

this is gettin gmore real by the day. im moving out. it feels good. those friendships that are dying, i guess they dont seem to matter. and i know maybe that makes me sound terrible, but why waste my time dwelling on a dead friendship when its dead. if anything, im happy about it. happy that a door closed. because it means the start of something new. if we arent friends, its because it was meant to be that way. if we dont date, its because it was meant to be that way. im not going to let graduating hurt me. its a good thing. im getting my life together. im getting myself out of this house. its a good thing. less tension with my family. itll be a happier time.  i find myslef being less jealous of things, and more happy for them.  i find myself being able to hold back the monster inside of me. these temptations come, but i find myself being more able to resist.  more able to tell myself not to give in to anything. not to let my instincts make me a bad person. and im happy with myself. im comfortable with myself.  of course i want. of course. but i find myself not needing. and its progress. life is deciding to be good to me. theres an aura around me, i feel it. its calm. its footloose and fancy free. it lets me stand with the weight of the world easing itself from my shoulders. theres plenty for me to worry about. but i feel confident in my own dealing with it. i feel confident it taking care of myself. and building a life. and holding on to the precious friends i have. while letting go of the others with grace and dignity. theres a hitch in my giddy up. theres a tap on my toe and a snap in my hand. and it may make no sense. but theres something in this aura that tell me everything is going to be ok. just hold on. dont be afraid.

have a lovely day. i think i might.


savvy?

10:25 pm

i suppose its been a while, eh?

lots has gone on i suppose.  most of you know it all. Grandma passed, prom happened. last day of school. fought with friends, made up, fought again, etc.

wrote a story, met a girl.

had foot surgeries.


said goodbye.


said goodbye to the set room.

said goodbye to my stage. and i know its not my stage. i havent been a huge part of drama, but its been a big part of me. and i feel as though that stage has helped me realize things.


ive accepted that saying goodbye today was real. its not a "we'll hang out this summer i promise" no. many of those freindships ended today, because it just wont go further. many of us wont see each other again. that happens

im moving in with kiefer. itll be nice. ease up things on mom mostly.


ill be walking everywhere this summer. everywhere.

ive been talking to this girl. shes kool. but something tells me its not gonna happen. it feels like its one of those things ive built up in my head too far. and itll crash and burn at the peak of my hope.


im missing abig part of my life.


affection.


it leaves me unfulfilled. i long for it.



i have found myself wanting.



"stay with me. and i shall want no other love."- ace of base

07:36 pm

You don't like Beethoven. You don't know what you're missing. Overtures like that get my juices flowing. So powerful. But after his openings, to be honest, he does tend to get a little fucking boring. That's why I stopped. You're a Mozart fan. I love him too. I looooove Mozart! He was Austrian you know? But for this kind of work, he's a little bit light. So I tend to go for the heavier guys. Check out Brahms. He's good too.

...............................................................


Claddagh Ring

A traditional Irish ring, given in friendship or worn as a wedding ring. The design and customs associated with it originated in the Irish fishing village of Claddagh, located just outside the old walls of the city of Galway. The ring was first produced in the 17th Century during the reign of Mary II, though elements of the design are much older.


The way that a Claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey the wearer's romantic availability, or lack thereof. Traditionally, if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing outward and away from the body, this indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship, and may in fact be single and looking for a relationship: "their heart is open." When worn on the right hand but with the heart facing inward toward the body, this indicates the person wearing the ring is interested in someone, or that "someone has captured their heart". A Claddagh worn on the left hand ring finger facing outward away from the body generally indicates that the wearer is engaged. When the ring is on the left hand ring finger and facing inward toward the body, it generally means that the person wearing the ring is married.



maybe ill get you one.

10:04 pm

Wake up. Can't you see? It's not just a dance anymore. It's real this time.

10:11 am - The worst feeling in the world.

He's ok. He's hurting, and I'm sure he's mind-fucked, but he's okay. Yesterday, my perceptions were fucking aligned. I was scared out of my fucking mind. More scared than I have ever been in my life. If something had happened to him, that would've been it. I would've been gone.

It's that feeling you get right when you wake up from a nightmare.

11:39 pm - There must have been a reason, but I can't remember now.

i cant throw any of it away. i cant delete any of it. its sewn into the fabric of my life.

 its all material. but i cant get rid of it.

im not ready

that makes me weak.

weaker.

years ago, this wouldnt have happened.

everything.

everyhing is everything.

i cant forget.

im not sure how much i want to.

if i want to at all.



i miss.





















every other memory...

Current Mood: depressed

09:38 pm

how do  you explain to everyone you care about how much of a fuck up you are.

ive had enough. i have tortured myself enough and im fucking tired.

im done missing you. i dont want to be, but i am. i have hated myself for over a month. i fucking hate myself. i cant fucking look at myself without feeling ashamed of myself.

i am a fuck up.

youre the best mistake i ever made. what else can i say?






fuck me.
fuck me.
fuck me.
fuck me.
fuck me.



this is what i get.


i surrender.



you win.



i cant stand who i am anymore.